whether unbeknownst (or known) to you

Hoping all is well with you there, my friend.

I've been inactive for a while now (>3 months) on social media and from any sort of communication with people aside from my family. I sincerely apologised for being unable to reach to my friends, by replying to their messages and using my Instagram post. 

Below are some lines that I chose not to include in my message because, uhm, I guess I still have trust issues as I'm afraid of how they would respond to my perspective.

**written on 5th November 2022**

Thank you very much for your heartwarming messages and thoughtful efforts to reach me. Being someone you care about is undoubtedly one of life's greatest blessings. I truly appreciate it.

I may not be able to explain why I chose to live entirely offline for the previous few months because it was a decision fraught with complex emotions and stories. However, I'm writing for more understanding in the hopes of a better social circle of mine. I am someone of serenity and slow self-love with some serious boundaries. 

Hence, shutting myself down is what I need after months and years of exposing my feelings to others (at least, this is what I felt). Don't get me wrong, I treasured the memories and lessons, but I also needed the solitude to reestablish my faith and authentic feelings for myself.

To be very honest, the reason why I don’t mind keeping my friendship is that I have that much trust with people I’ve been in friendships and relationships with. I don’t believe that ‘not contacting’ or ‘losing contact’ equal to ‘losing’ or ‘leaving’ but instead it is the natural process of living. 

We will, eventually, miss and lost the people we've known because of the current or future commitments we're going to have. Be it a new place, new people or a new you.. and death.

I am not meaning to say that there is no need to cherish friendship by maintaining it but I see it as a situation nobody should ever need to explain every time. The times we were not together, I'll look at it as an opportunity to learn more about myself to show a better me for the next time we meet.

I've been learning to shut myself down many times before because of my personality/condition. Subconsciously, I believe I need that moment every day. Eventually, I graduated and have a better chance to shut myself down from the Internet. 

It’s hard to explain to people what I’m meaning to achieve by doing this. Maybe because I'm the only person that experiences it and can understand the reason behind it without putting it into words. For me, I don’t really want to explain why I am like this because it's simply— I’m born this way and I really love being alone. 

Nevertheless, I believe mental health is a nowadays topic that people really like to associate with personality and mood-wise. Mental health is not necessarily mental illness but just as it stands— health. I’m currently taking care of my health.

I am learning to put myself first and I learnt that I have serious boundaries. I used to be really bad at doing things for myself— years of prioritising people. Now, I’m finally doing what I love for myself.

It’s just when I’m socially off— I’m off.

Alhamdulillah, everything is fine now, and may Allah SWT bless us all with success, health, happiness, patience and strength. InshaAllah.